i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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