Don't make out with my wife yet
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
