i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
