I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Randomize
