I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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