I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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