Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize