Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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