Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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