Jerry, you need to find god
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
