omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
