The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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