my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
