You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
