People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
bring money and cleavage
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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