The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My breasts were aching with rage.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
