im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
