I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
