My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize