Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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