Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
