he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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