bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
