Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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