And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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