I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
