life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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