Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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