Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
