I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
