I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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