vagina is talking i cant
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
is it fun? or sober?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
