I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
