I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
