Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize