Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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