my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
