I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
