My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
