Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
