Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
