3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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