The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize