I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
