Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
