You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
