So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
