Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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