so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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