My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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