The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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