he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
