Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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