the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
