you would pick up someone in the library
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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