Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
