dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
