I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
